


Bloody Hands

by shinaho



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Coping, It’s not really fun, Multi, POV Second Person, Spoilers for Solomon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 11:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17282921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinaho/pseuds/shinaho
Summary: Chaldea seems a lot more empty these days.





	Bloody Hands

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone i’m coping. also i don’t know if it says specifically anywhere but this is Gudako not gudao or whatever the hell you guys call him mash and protag are Lesbians thank u

On the first day, nothing seemed wrong. From experience, it never does, and never would. It didn’t before, with Olga Marie, and you had barely known her. She wasn’t much to you, just a bitch who treated you like shit, but in her last moments she seemed human, and that got to you, you think. Hell, she gave you the opportunity to prove yourself, and to save the world, so yeah, of course you’d miss her, but you didn’t think it would be as much as you did. 

When you woke up, in the command room, being cradled in Mash’s arms, it took awhile to realize that you hadn’t died and this wasn’t heaven. Seeing her look down at you, with that absolute infatuation that you never thought you would see again, it felt like a miracle. Maybe even ten, or a hundred miracles. More than any human should be granted. 

You had been afraid before. You were afraid fighting Tiamat. You were afraid fighting Medb and Jeanne Alter, and everyone else you had come across. But never before had you felt fear like that, like fighting what would be your last battle even if you won it, like everything you had worked for had come to fruition. It was scary. The oblivion of the end. Losing people. All of it. 

You started crying. You had tunnel vision, and the whole world revolved around Mash. You reached your hand up to hold her face, and you stroked her cheek with your thumb, once, twice, countless times to make sure she was really there and you hadn’t a deathbed hallucination. You were practically pinching her, but she didn’t show any signs of uncomfort. She was just happy to be there. 

Your tears were silent, and you didn’t even realize you were crying at first. You only noticed that Mash looked a little concerned, and instantaneously you wanted to assuage whatever had come between her and her happiness, not realizing that it was actually you, or rather your dissociation from the whole situation. Using your elbow as leverage on the tiled Chaldea floor, you pushed yourself up and pressed your lips to hers, slowly and softly. You held yourself there for however long it was, you can’t bother to recall, until you laid back down, because you either needed to breathe or because your strength wasn’t quite with you yet, or maybe a combination of both. Mash happily took you back into her arms, back into the arms of a girl who, by all means, should’ve been dead long ago. 

Your first kiss tasted salty. Maybe it was the tears, or the dust and debris (along with lots of bright orange hair) that had whipped around your face during the battle with Goetia, but hell, did it really matter that much? The two of you were living on borrowed time, as far as you were concerned, so really you were willing to take anything at that point, so you did. You should’ve done that a long time ago, actually, but it would’ve made saying goodbye a hell of a lot harder, so in the end you decided not to. But now, things were different, and you had actually won, so you supposed that some celebrations were in order, and what better way to celebrate the life of everyone on earth than confessing your undying love to a living corpse. 

But that, you didn’t get the chance to do, because a ringing bell of laughter sounded throughout the command room, and suddenly you were ripped away from your love’s pleasant warm embrace by a cold metal hand that, although you loved as well, could go without for the time being. Da Vinci let you down carefully on the ground, so that you wouldn’t collapse again as you had in Solomon’s Temple. “I think that’s enough for the PDA, girls.” She teased you, but everything hadn’t quite set it yet, so you didn’t register her words well, if at all. If it were a normal day, you would’ve chided back with another rude, yet funny remark. “Congratulations on a successful mission. Operation Grand Order has been completed.” 

Those words had always seemed like a lifetime away. You knew the end would come, at one point or another, and you had countless breakdowns along the way, but hearing everything, and seeing everyone who survived pop their little party poppers that had been special prepared for that moment just made everything seem a little more real. If you hadn’t been crying already, you definitely would’ve been by that point. The happy smiles of the command room workers made you feel like someone important for once in your life, like someone more than the failure you were going to be had you not been the sole surviving master of Chaldea.

You bury your face in Da Vinci’s chest and cry, and hold her, and she pats your back as you let out heavy sobs. “I’m just.... I’m so happy....” You croak out, muffled by the fabric of her dress, “To be alive.” Is what you say. Not necessarily to be successful, or to have won, but just to live another day. In the end, that might’ve been all you ever wanted, but you got caught up in the whole ‘saving the world’ thing that you never stopped to look at the little picture, at how you and Mash and Da Vinci and Romani were going, day after day, night after night, week after week, for years. Every new day was a blessing, after all. 

Da Vinci patted your head, in a familiar and pleasant way. You wish she would do it more often. You joked and laughed sarcastically with her a lot, but she had a motherly aura about her. It was soothing. “I know kiddo, I know. But we’ve got a lot to do from here.” You pull yourself away from her, and you realize you left a big stain of various fluids on her, but you don’t apologize or anything, she kind of owed you that for saving humanity and all. “Out of everyone who went in for this mission, all but one came back...” 

Ah.

Of course.

He didn’t come back, after all.

Romani had said his goodbyes there, at the throne, and faded into golden dust, like every servant you had ever befriended or loathed before, like he was nothing more than some birthday party confetti. You had tried to grab the little particles, but they slipped between your fingers, blowing through the wind and away from you, forever, never to be seen again. 

It didn’t feel real. Like you’ll walk into the command room tomorrow and he’ll be there as always. But he won’t. You don’t think about that, in that moment though, your tears aren’t for his loss but rather for your life, the last gift he ever gave to you, and the most important. That’s what he would want. You know he wouldn’t want you to cry over him, but you will, oh you will, because you’re an emotional bitch like that, and feelings will always fuck you over.

You and Mash slept together that night. Neither of you were comfortable sleeping alone. It was a single bed, so you had to squish together a little bit, but it was so nice and warm that you could forget Chaldea was in the middle of the snowy mountains. Your arm was wrapped around her, holding her tight, as if if you let her go she would fade just like Romani had. 

In the morning, your pillow was wet, and you didn’t know why. 

On the second day, things seemed strange. Your command room debriefing was a little quieter than usual, and your doctor checkup wasn’t nearly as lively. There weren’t as many servants in Chaldea as before the battle, but there were still quite a few that were adamant about staying, and refused to leave you behind. Among them was Florence Nightingale, the angel of the battlefield, and she took over as the head nurse for time being in Romani’s absence. 

She could tell you were hurting, but she was only used to healing physical wounds. There was nothing she could do for the hurt that you felt in your very soul for the man you left behind in that singularity. She was very kind, although eccentric, as she took your vitals and made sure you were okay, and on her way out she made sure to give you a smile. For all her weird ways, Nightingale sure was kind. Everyone at Chaldea was, if you looked hard enough. Even Gilgamesh, for all his flamboyant boasting, cared about you. 

While Mash was going through her examination, you had nothing much to do, so you paced around what was left of Chaldea. Many of the hallways were in ruins, and entire wings had been torn off, but the command room, the workshop, and many of the dorms were still okay, so you went to see what was left. Servants began to treat the command room as a cafeteria, because there was no better use for it anymore, so Jeanne invited you to try some of the cakes Marie Antionette had made, but you politely turned her down. You couldn’t imagine stomaching food as you were. 

Romani’s office was right by his bedroom, and somehow, you find yourself gravitating towards them. Romani had become... somewhat close with Merlin, since Babylonia. Long gone are the days when you and Mash and Da Vinci would tease him and sing-song “Romani and Merlin, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Yet you missed those, a lot. You looked into the small window on the door of his room, for only a moment (you didn’t want to pry), and saw Merlin still laying in bed, facing the wall. He must have been taking it rough, you imagined. 

After leaving his tower for the first time in what, thousands of years? And making his way into Chaldea, he had somehow found himself in love with a human, of all creatures. You weren’t sure if Merlin was really capable of love, considering he was on an entirely different plane of existence than humans were, but hell, maybe he was, and maybe he really did love Romani. Merlin was able to see everyone in the world, and watch whoever he wished, but he still managed to take a shine to your dumb old Dr. Roman. How ironic. 

You gave the door a gentle knock, and waited a moment before doing it again. Merlin made no effort to get out of bed, or move, or even tell you to go away. After one last series of knocks, flowers appeared out of nowhere and blossomed to cover the window and the doorknob. You couldn’t have gone in even if you wanted to. Your thoughts went out to Merlin, they truly did, but if he didn’t want your comfort there’s nothing you could’ve done for him to make it hurt any less. There’s going to be an empty spot in that bed forever, and it might as well be another 2000 years before he finds someone who comes close to what Romani was for him, if it even does happen again. 

On the seventh day, it really started to hit hard. His chair in the command room was eternally empty. Nobody dared fill it. Nobody would ever be what he was. Nobody could ever do that role with as much earnest energy and happiness as Romani did. He was happy to work everyday, to push himself, to just enjoy the small parts of life. His life of only ten years was a sad, sad one, but he thought it was the best life he could ever live. 

After breakfast you parted with Mash and headed to his office. It was unlocked, so you decided to take a look around one last time before the people from the Mage’s Association defiled it for evidence, or whatever they decided to do. The light flicked on gradually and you took a look around the small room. 

There wasn’t much in it. A few bookshelves. A desk. A few chairs and a coffee table. It was really a simple office, but it suited him. One would see where his taste shone through if they knew where to look. One of his pens on his desk was official Magi Mari merchandise. It was bright pink and glittery, and you had no doubt it was produced by Merlin, but Romani still denied that until the very end. There was also a figure of her, not a fancy one, but one he must’ve gotten out of a blind bag because there are several more like it, but slightly different, scattered throughout his office. One on the bookshelf, another in the drawer, and one on the coffee table. 

Magi Mari herself looked just like Merlin. You still had no idea how Romani lied to himself like that. You turned the small figure over in your hands. Her hair was white and fluffy, but the plastic of the her hair was actually quite sharp and dug into your skin. Her eyes were purple, and she seemed to have a pink flower motif in her dress. She winked at you, and was in the position to blow you a kiss. 

You had never actually heard her music before, but Romani would rave about her. He really loved his virtual idols, huh? You took a seat in his desk chair and turned on his laptop. The computer was password locked, unfortunately, but after a few tries you got it. (Romani was a simple man, the password was “Solomon”.) His desktop background was picture of you, him, Mash, and Da Vinci, one that you remembered taking together on one of the breaks between singularities when you found some free time to relax. Everyone looked so happy there, you wish you could just go back to that moment and live there, if only for a short while.

You opened up Romani’s web browser. Magi Mari’s blog was one of the first bookmarks, along with some online shopping websites and informational databases, so you pull it up and scroll through her posts. You didn’t know what you expected, but it’s the typical idol mumbo-jumbo. She promoted her new single, posted about lunch, uploaded selfies (well, you call them that- they were just artwork of her meant to appear as a selfie) and the usual. There was really nothing special. 

She also seemed to answer a lot of fan-submitted questions. Some, in particular, you could just tell were from Romani. “There’s this dragon witch trying to kill my friends, and I don’t know what to do to stop her!!!” Who else could that be? 

Magi Mari’s answer was generic, nothing unexpected. “Just try and be her friend! Love is allllllways the answer! <3” It was almost painful to read just how cheesy it was. Most of her replies to fanmail were like this, besides for the ones that were, oh, you know, normal questions. “What’s your favorite food?” (It’s strawberries.) Or about her favorite color. (Pink, of course.) 

One question that particularly stuck out was sent over a year ago (you spent awhile going through her blog), probably around the time you started your quest to stop the incarceration of humanity. It read, “I’ve started a new task, and met a lot of new people, and I really care about them. But I’m forced to hide something from them, and I won’t be able to tell them about it until it’s too late. Am I a bad person?” 

Magi Mari’s answer was a little more complex than usual. You get a feeling Romani was the one who sent it, and that Merlin knew it, too. “Well, that’s pretty tough, isn’t it? If you really care about people, I think your feelings will manage to get through to them, no matter what <3! Just make sure to appreciate them while you can, and make the most of every moment with the people you cherish. If you care about them, and they care about you, they’ll understand that what you do is always in their best interest. So that’s why, I don’t think you should keep secrets unless it’s absoluuuuuutely necessary, ya know? It’s important to be honest with others, but it’s also important to be honest with yourself, too!” 

Hmm.

Merlin must’ve known about everything the whole time, yeah? About, Solomon, and all that. But he chose to care about Romani. He chose to get hurt.

Magi Mari posted almost daily up until a week ago. You guessed, with Merlin’s number one fan gone there was really no more motive for posting anymore. 

Why were you looking through all this? You had to ask yourself, and if you were honest you didn’t really know. There was just something missing. You wanted to feel closer to Romani, at least a little bit, to try to haphazardly tie back that connection that had been severed by his death. You turned off his computer and instead looked at the books he had been reading.

There were some fantasy, some romance, some sci-fi, but mostly he had bookmarks put into research textbooks. Lots of segments were highlighted, but the vocabulary was so advanced you wouldn’t be able to comprehend it if you tried. Hidden, on the bottom shelf, sat a photobook. You didn’t know people still kept these things. He was ever the romantic, huh? 

The first photo showed a photo of him and Da Vinci, walking through Chaldea. The next showed him and Fou watching the fireworks. There was a plate of watermelon sitting out. He was smiling, and laughing, and he seemed just. Happy. He was happy. 

You turned the page. There were pictures from Halloween, when everyone had celebrated together. Mash was dressed as a cat, Da Vinci a witch, you as a priestess, and Romani looked ever so dashing as a vampire. You couldn’t help but laugh. He looked pretty good there, actually. Maybe you knew why Merlin liked him so much. 

The next photo showed him with Da Vinci again, this time in her workshop. His head rested in his arms, and they both held cups of coffee and smiled. It seemed to encapsulate a moment of tranquility that would never return. You couldn’t bear to look at it for much longer. 

You flipped through the pages rather hastily after that. New Years with you and Mash. Scooping for goldfish in the summer. A picnic with Mash. The photos began to have Romani in them less and less, and you and Mash in them more and more. In one of the thin slips of plastic meant for holding photos, you found a crude drawing you did on break once that you couldn’t help but show Romani at the time. 

Miniature versions of you, Arturia, Mash, and Olga Marie were in the jungle, and Arturia looked like a monkey. Romani laughed when he saw it, and said that you probably shouldn’t show her, because she would get mad. After all this time, you can’t believe he kept it. All your stupid drawings, dumb pictures, silly little keepsakes he kept, and treasured. You couldn’t believe it. 

He really, really loved you. With all his heart he treasured you, and Mash, and Da Vinci, and Merlin, and everyone. He loved you. He loved the world. He deserved more than the shit life he got, but he was still happy with it. 

You couldn’t save him. You weren’t strong enough. You couldn’t beat Goetia on your own, because you were a failure. If you had been a better mage, Romani would be there, and he would be alive. 

It’s foolish, you thought, that you had just lectured Goetia that death made life worth living, while you still couldn’t accept the deaths of your loved ones. You were no better than that monster, in a twisted way. Everything you said was just lip service. You should’ve died there with Romani. 

Your tears flowed and landed in the photobook. They bounced on the plastic protecting the pictures, and splattered into tiny drops. You still held Romani’s small Magi Mari figure in your hand, and you began to squeeze it, hard. You were just angry. Angry at yourself? At Romani? At the world? You didn’t know. 

The plastic bits of the figure dug into your skin, and your hand began to bled. The blood stained Magi Mari’s pearly white hair, and dripped down onto the floor of Romani’s office. Here you were, bleeding and crying over some stupid old guy who went and got himself killed for your sake. Wonderful.

“...Senpai...?” 

You heard a voice call out to you, but it sounded muddled, like you were underwater. Everything feels muddled these days, without him. He was a father to you. And to Mash, and to everyone there. He was family. 

“Senpai, what are you doing... Are you bleeding?” 

The voice speaks again. Your eyes have long been closed, scrunched together through the tears. You felt something try to pry your hand apart. The stabbing pain of the figure had yet to really set in. It was minuscule compared to the pain you felt over Romani’s departure.

“I’m going to go get Nightingale... Your hand will be scarred up. Oh, Senpai...” 

The voice grew more distant. You sat in his office, all alone once again. 

You’re sorry. 

Dr. Roman.

You’re sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> huuuurg anyone else be missing romani archaman father of the year cuz i am


End file.
